Volume III, Issue II: Extras

Home & Garden

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Chanukah is Better

December 12, 2017

By Nicolas r. Brunstein, Staff Writer

Chanukah is better.

“Here, have a sweater,”

Relatives always say.

I always hated this holiday

Santa Claus’s story was never true.

Too late, your kids already hate you.

“My presents suck,” your kid complains,

And now you just wanna cut their veins.

“Stop being a brat,” you yelled at your child

Something’s wrong, lil timmy just smiled

Under the tree

“Come here and see!”

Kneeling down, with your knees bent,

Shit is what you see, all over your present.

FOOD WANTED

Any extra or unwanted or even wanted and extremely necessary food that you may have, bring it to 202 and give it to us because we’re hungry. There is no reward, we will not pay you, but we will offer our sincerest gratitude, and who knows, we may even invite you in for a nice chat over some hot tea, if you’re still into that kind of thing. No pressure, just thought we should mention it, you seemed like you might be into that… but nevermind, this whole thing was stupid. I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have… Really, I am sorry. Becky, now don’t be like that. I apologized. I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. Please, just help me understand. Becky! What are you doing. No! Put that down. Becky? No! Put the knife down. You’re going to hurt somebody. Do you want me to call one of your friends to talk to? Or the police? Do you need help? Okay, okay! I’ll leave! Just back off! Stop getting closer to me. Please! Becky, you’re going to… OW! Hello, is this the police? My girlfriend is freaking out! I think I’m in danger. Fifty-five East ten… OW! Becky, that really hurt! Put the knife down! Ah! Ah! No! Becky!!!!! I… Becky… The Police… I thought you loved me………………………

CASKET WANTED

I am in need of a full sized casket, oak preferably. If you know of any craftsman who would be willing to build one for my late boyfriend, please contact me, Becky Smith, at (563) 639-8826. Thank you!