Volume II, Issue II: Extras

POEM

Ode To Grant MacDonald

Nicolas R. Brunstein, Staff Writer

November 14, 2017

You

And me

(Sometimes Gabe as well)

Under the influence of love.

Reunited at last

Eternally in eachother’s arms.

Always and forever

Racing until the

End.

How could I live?

Undoubtedly without you!

Never could I imagine

Going on alone.

Luckily we are

Unified.

Knowing our love is

Everlasting.

CLASSIFIEDS

Single, cisgendered, white male now desperately seeks small, flightless bird, for any sort of relationship. Still enjoys “masterpiece theatre,” long walks on the beach, and jello baths. (Pretty pretty please!!!) Contact at (563) 349-6203.

HELP WANTED!

Our twelve year old daughter recently ran away from home and we are now looking for a new child to treat as our own. I ask only that she be skilled in cleaning, cooking, ironing, farming, dog care, first aid, CPR, gardening, housework, construction (including carpentry and roofing), vinyl siding and window installment, sewing, tailoring, make up artistry, bread baking, party planning, blowing glass, clay work (experience with pottery wheels and kilns), masonry, stained glass work (including soldering), mechanic work, basic technological repairs (iOS, Windows, Linux), experience in customer service, food service, entertainment (dance, singing, at least two instruments, stand up comedy, drama, performance art), native proficiency in at least seven languages (five of which must be English, Thai, Italian, and Hebrew, and Latin), has or is working toward an M.B.A. from an accredited university, and finance and investment experience in domestic and international markets is appreciated. We look forward to hearing back. Thank you!!!

WARNING!!!

A Middle aged couple is searching for a “replacement daughter” to perform free slave labor for them. Do not reply to this column! Any newspaper that publishes the ad should be boycotted and shut down for endangering the public. Please keep your children safe!

THE FUNNIES