Volume II, Issue I: Extras

Just Like Ben

November 6, 2017

By: Nicolas R. Brunstein, Staff Writer

Kind people and selfless minds,

Time and time again,

Telling me everyday

I am lovely just like Ben.

“Your mind is beautiful.

It’s a ten out of ten.”

CLASSIFIEDS

Single, cisgendered, white male now desperately seeks small, flightless bird, for any sort of relationship. Still enjoys “masterpiece theatre,” long walks on the beach, and jello baths. (Pretty please!!!

Contact at (563) 349-6203.

HELP WANTED

Services required: Friendship

Pay: Knowing that you’re doing good

Where: Room 202, Brittany

Who: Ben, he’s lonely

When: Whenever, he’s always lonely

Contact: Ben in room 202

NEED A FRIEND?

Ben Florence is offering his services!

Charges $0 an hour

Can do parties, funerals, siestas, general hang-outs, walks, breakfast, lunch, dinner, velociraptor appreciation days, whatever.

Contact him in room 202 Brittany Hall

A CHILD IS BORN

On November 1st, 2017, Frederick “Freddie” Kugler Delgado came into this world to his proud parents, Logan and Kaitlyn of Rubin Hall, 8th floor. Weighing in at 1oz, Freddie is what is known as a dwarf puffer, or to be politically correct, “little person” puffer. Dwarf puffers are ideal for aquarists, as they only require a 5 gallon tank, although not ideal for other fish, which dwarf puffers tend to harass. This leads to an awkwardness amongst the fish, and a general tense mood in the fish tank. Thankfully, Freddie is all alone in the world, friendless and confined. He will never know anything but his fishbowl, where he will swim in circles, watching his owners leave and explore the world as they please. As he sees them go, a single tear falls from his eye, as he longs for the excitement of an adventure that he will never have, but no one notices. At night, he stares down the barrel of his revolver, and wonders, is it even worth it? As the days turn into weeks, and the weeks into months, Freddie spirals into a void of meaningless suffering. If you see Kaitlyn or Logan, be sure to congratulate them!

Last Week’s Poem Message:

“Su My Mu Fu Di, Bi” (Read the first letter of each line. Each stanza is a new word)