Volume I, Issue V: Extras

Staff Writer
Oct 31, 2017
2 min read

Updated: Oct 31, 2017

Respect

October 30, 2017

By: Nicolas R. Brunstein

Sunny days

Under the shade

Months so quick

Years start to fade

Memories of my childhood:

Utter joy

Friends and family

Unemployed

Days and nights will go by

In and out this time will fly

Begin to understand that I will try

I’m nothing more than just a guy

Classifieds

Introducing handerpants, underwear for your hands. Why do you need handerpants? I don’t know, which is why for a limited time only, we’re doubling our offer, and if you call now, you can get this free set of knives, all for just the low price of $9.95.

Call (425) 349-3009 to get your’s now!

***Handerpants is a real thing that we are not affiliated with and take no credit for the idea or anything. Also, it’s not a limited time, and the offer isn’t actually doubled, and you can’t get a free set of knives, (we don’t think.) But you can actually call that number and actually order this product for $9.95, so...

Single, cisgendered, white male now desperately seeks small, flightless bird, for any sort of relationship. Still enjoys “masterpiece theatre,” long walks on the beach, and jello baths. (Please!!!)

Contact at (563) 349-6203.

Obituaries

October 30, 2017

Benjamin Robert Florence

November 9th, 1998 - October 17, 2017

Ben was a good lad. Born in Davenport, Iowa, he had a peaceful childhood. He enlisted in the draft at age 7. After the war, he joined the Soldiers and Military (S&M) club, where he worked as a High Wizard. It was at this time that he married the lovely Gilda Radner, who bore him no children, but they had two lovely dogs, Charles and Sniff. Two years before his death, Ben was diagnosed with stage three polaroid disease. He died violently, punching and kicking the doctors for the last two long hours before he drew his final breath. He now rests in a better place, where there are beer volcanoes and stripper factories. A service will be held at 55 East 10th Street Room #202A, whenever his roommates get around to it. In lieu of flowers, bring egg salad.

Home and Garden

October 30, 2017

By: Gabriel Oldfield, writer & Editor

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