Volume I, Issue I: Extras

Weekly Poem

October 2, 2017

By Nicolas R. Brunstein, Staff Writer

Everyone is filled with love

And everyone is happy

Thank everyone for their good deeds

Send everyone your good thoughts

Help those who are

In need

Thank everyone For their good deeds

Go seek love and laughter

And meet people who will fill you with joy

Beauty can be found anywhere

Everyone has something to share

Classifieds

October 3, 2017

HELP WANTED! If you have experience collecting money from fraudulent students, please contact me at (212) 998-2345.

- Andy Hamilton, 16th President of NYU

Single, cis-gendered, white male seeks small, flightless bird for a committed relationship. Enjoys “masterpiece theatre,” long walks on the beach, and jello baths. Contact at (563) 349-6203.

Do you need books? Of course you do! Come down to The NYU Bookstore to get the best deals on all your favorite pieces of papers binded together. Why would you get a free PDF version when we can charge you $15 for each bloody one? It’s not like you’re already spending $70,000 at this school anyway! Call now: (212) 998-4667

Didgeridoo lessons!!! I have 23 years experience performing didgeridoo around eastern Europe, particularly in the Czech Republic, Slovakia, and Ukraine, and have taught privately for the last 16 years in the US and Indonesia. If you would like lessons contact me through my fax machine. Rates start at $250/hr. I generally give three hour private lessons, four times per week. My fax number is (343) 437-4266.

Obituaries

October 3, 2017

Benjamin Franklin died on April 17, 1790. He was 84 years of age and died of a pleuritic attack while in his home. His funeral was attended by over 20,000 people. If you are unfamiliar with Mr. Franklin’s work, perhaps take the time to look at a $100 bill and see his eternal smiling face.

Michael Jackson unfortunately passed away June 25, 2009. With such an influential member of the pop music community gone, it will be hard to imagine what will come next in the years to come. Everyone will remember his greatest hits: “Hey Jude,” “Eleanor Rigby,” and “Eat It.”

Comic Strip

By Ben Florence