Dear Dr. Florence: Hyenas & Jellyfish

Benjamin R. Florence

October 9, 2017

Volume I, Issue II

Dearest Dr. Florence,

How does one tame and quell a pack of hyenas, without drawing too much attention?

Sincerely,

Bob’s Burgers

Dear Bob’s Burgers,

Thank you for your excellent question! Or should I say, two questions. For indeed to tame a pack of hyenas and to quell a pack of hyenas are two very separate matters altogether. I will begin with the taming: First, please refer to this excerpt from The Editors of Encyclopædia Britannica. “Jellyfish.” Encyclopædia Britannica, Encyclopædia Britannica, Inc., 10 Apr. 2017, “The class Cubozoa contains two orders, Carybdeida and Chirodropida. Together, both orders comprise about 20 described species. Although some reach a diameter of 25 cm (10 inches), most range between 2 to 4 cm (1 to 2 inches). The jelly is rather spherical but squared off along the edges, giving rise to the common name of box jellies. The genera Chironex and Chiropsalmus, commonly called sea wasps, occur widely from Queensland northward to about Malaya. These forms have remarkably sophisticated eyes, and they are dangerously venomous; a moderate sting can cause death within a few minutes. In all the box jellies so far studied, the polyp stage produces but a single medusa. Through the process of budding, polyps emerge from a medusa or from another polyp. Essentially, a single planula larva may produce numerous, genetically identical medusae.”

As you may have already guessed, what I am referring to, of course, is a particular quality of these jellyfish which is exceedingly useful in the taming of hyenas. That quality, of course, is the remarkably sophisticated eyes. Once a hyena catches sight of these peepers (jeepers creepers!) it instantly falls into a trance and can even be mentally controlled by the use of some electrical wire, two AA batteries, and a universal remote (which of course may also require a pair of AA batteries, besides the two already required). As for the quelling of a pack of hyenas, I’d recommend a GAU-19/B Gatling Gun Tactical System. As to not draw attention to the fact that you are shooting a pack of hyenas with a huge machine gun, simply distract onlookers by having a decoy attempt to open a jar of pickles to which everyone in the surrounding area will flock, in attempt to aid in the struggle to access those crisp, dill spears.

Charmed as always,

Dr. Benjamin R. Florence, Ph.D

(Photograph courtesy of Oliver Honer at the Hyena Project- https://hyena-project.com/donations/)