Dear Dr. Florence: Go on

Benjamin R. Florence, Ph.D., Staff Writer

December 19, 2017

Volume III, Issue II

Dear Dr. Florence, I really enjoyed reading the last two pages of complete nonsense. Could you please continue your droning for the rest of your advice column?

Sincerely,

No One Ever

Dear No One Ever,

Of course I can! You thought you were done, didn’t you? You thought I had been defeated, conquered - or perhaps that you had escaped a terrible fate, barely making it out with your sanity intact. Well welcome back, kiddo. You got one more page to go. Or is it two? Mwa ha ha ha!!!

Now that you’ve all checked the next page to make sure it’s really just the normal classifieds section, let’s get down to business. This is a very special moment in this paper; if I had nothing to talk about before, I somehow have even less to talk about now, and yet here we are, trying to get through an entire other page.

Actually, you deserve this, now that I think about it. If you people had sent in questions for the advice column in the first place, this wouldn’t be happening. I could be humorously answering your query right now, instead of typing about absolutely nothing. You brought this on yourself.

Okay, I actually have nothing else to talk about. Hold on, I have to get the laundry. It wasn’t quite done when I said is was on the last page.

It may be interesting to note that this whole time, I have refrained from telling some sort of story, or from describing or explaining some arbitrary thing. That is because when I say I’m going to write about nothing, I mean nothing dammit. I’m not just filling space with random things, I’m specifically filling it with nothing. I know what you’re thinking; it’s not actually nothing, there are words, and they form sentences, and maybe they’re halfway entertaining. But I mean, c’mon, it’s basically nothing. Especially right now, where I’m talking about literally nothing. Literally, as in I am physically discussing the concept of “nothing.”

I suppose you can tell that I’ve gone off the deep end here. I admire your tenacity for sticking with it this whole time. We’re almost there, just a little bit more! Normally when I run out of things to write, this would be the area where the Home & Garden section would go, but I think that would just take away from the accomplishment that I am about to achieve. It’s so close I can almost taste it. So close, yet so far. My words are somehow becoming shorter. C’mon Ben, almost there… Just a few more lines… Think about saying those sweet, sweet words… Go on, say them...Charmed as always...That’s it, just a little bit more… Charmed as always...This seems like an eternity...Charmed as always...No, this part has actually taken longer than the rest of this whole page, for some dumb reason… Charmed as always… Last…Line…

Nailed it.

Charmed as always,

Dr. Benjamin R Florence, Ph.D.