Dear Dr. Florence: Guest Writer

Nicolas Brunstein, Staff Writer

November 28, 2017

Volume II Issue IV

Notice:

Due to the recent inclination of the weather, Dr. Florence has come down with an extreme case of melisma, and is unable to perform his scholarly duties for this issue. In his place, Dr. Nicolas R. Brunstein will be crafting responses to your important, valuable questions that mean so much and matter a lot to us here at the Tribune. We wish Dr. Florence a speedy recovery, and may God rest his soul in heaven.

Dear Dr. Brunstein,

Recently, I’ve been feeling kind of lonely, like no one cares about me. How do I make friends that value me?

Sincerely,

Lonely Leroy

Dear Lonely Leroy,

If you’re feeling lonely, you can call a private hotline (212-443-9999), but that’s lame. This is what you want to do: make a Tinder profile, swipe right with everyone you see on the app (regardless if you find them attractive or not), and go on dates with every single person you match with. Then, during the date (you can choose when), you tell them that you’re not actually interested in the sexual intercourse you may be having after the meal. You tell them that, instead, you are just looking for a friend. Most of these people will yell at you; however, I have done this many times before and have come to the conclusion that this works 9% of the time. This is a very high success rate in my humble opinion so I recommend you try it.

Sincerely,

Dr. Nicolas Rolando Brunstein, Ph.D.