Dear Dr. Florence: Fish, Snakes, Gardens

Benjamin R. Florence, Ph.D., Staff Writer

November 14, 2017

Volume II, Issue II

Hello Doctor,

I'm writing on behalf of my fish; he wants to know what the afterlife is like.

Thanks,

Perplexed Padré

Dear Perplexed Padré,

Although no one really knows what the afterlife is like, many have pondered the thought. A popular opinion is that the soul just returns to oblivion, which for your fish, probably isn’t that different than what he is experiencing now. However, let us discuss some other popular afterlife beliefs. First let’s evaluate the Zoroastrian belief – to get to heaven, you must cross a bridge, that gets easier or more difficult to cross depending on how you lived. As fish have no legs, this may be a poor option. A more contemporary afterlife is proposed by the church of google, where “by uploading our thoughts and opinions onto the Internet, our knowledge lives on in Google's cache even after our death.” My personal favorite, of course, is the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or Pastafarianism, which describes heaven as a “beer volcano and a stripper (or sometimes prostitute) factory. The Pastafarian Hell is similar, except that the beer is stale, and the strippers have sexually transmitted diseases.” As I’m not sure if your fish wishes to risk eternal stale beer, perhaps we should move on from this one. Another afterlife, specified in Rastafarianism, is Ethiopia. So there’s your answer: the afterlife is Ethiopia.

Charmed as always,

Dr. Benjamin R. Florence, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Florence,

How come no one sends in advice questions, even though you put so much work into this newspaper?

Sincerely,

Floctor Dorence

Dear Floctor Dorence,

Because they snakes.

Charmed as always,

Dr. Benjamin R. Florence, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Florence,

Now that you’ve run out of ideas, what do you plan to do with the rest of the space on this page?

Sincerely,

Curious Calvin

Dear Curious Calvin,

I am glad you asked. I was thinking that maybe I might write another question to myself anonymously, and then ramble on to fill up space. But I guess if that doesn’t work, I might just suggest to the editors to put in a home and garden section.

Charmed as always,

Dr. Benjamin R. Florence, Ph.D

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