Dear Dr. Florence: Baboons & Other Superior Animals

Benjamin R. Florence

October 30, 2017

Volume I, Issue V

Dear Dr. Florence,

What do you do if the guy you’re seeing always shows his ass to random people? I mean, he has a nice ass, but does that make it okay?

Sincerely,

This Is Not a Made-Up Question

Dear This Is Not a Made-Up Question,

I should refer you to this excerpt from the Wikipedia page on “Baboons” which says “A female initiates mating by presenting her swollen rump to the male's face.” As you may notice, unlike the female buttocks, the male buttocks of a baboon really has no purpose other than making sitting more comfortable. So, we should venture perhaps into this quote from the page on Fitzroy River Turtles: “The Fitzroy River turtle is capable of obtaining up to 70% of necessary oxygen through its anus, in a process called cloacal respiration.” My advice would be to hold your boyfriend’s head underwater, and if he is still able to breathe through his rump, then you’ll know for sure. This would explain his constant flashing – he was just out of breath, and needed extra oxygen, like how you or I might yawn. Hope this helps.

Charmed as always,

Dr. Benjamin R. Florence Ph.D

Works Cited:

“Baboon.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia

Foundation, 19 Oct. 2017

“Fitzroy River Turtle.” Wikipedia,

Wikimedia Foundation, 29 Oct. 2017

Dear Dr. Florence,

I need help! I’m thinking about getting an emotional support animal next semester. Should I get a dog or a cat?

Sincerely,

Definitely Not R.A. Maria

Dear Definitely Not R.A. Maria,

I know what always helps me when trying to make a difficult choice is to write a pros/cons list.

For example:

Dog:

Loyal

Likes to have fun

Can fit potentially 7 tennis balls in its mouth

Guards from robbers

Knows its limit, and stays within it

Great with kids

Is totally adorable and friendly and better than a cat, and you should get a dog

Cat:

Requires little attention, but accepts it

Not as energetic

Can do taxes

Great at cooking

Chases mice

Can play a funky upright bass

Watches Bob Ross

I hope this helps with your decision!

Charmed as always,

Dr. Benjamin R Florence Ph.D.