Sex? More Like No Thx.

Samuel G. Slocum

October 24, 2017

Volume I, Issue IV

NEW YORK- 88,000 students each day are filled with an insatiable lust, one that is only quenchable by the act of making love, or, as freshman, Nico Brunstein, 17, calls it, “fucking.” This love making can take place virtually anywhere. Dorm rooms, bathrooms, (male, female, and gender neutral), elevators, stoops, or the 24 hour quiet zone penthouse study lounge.

With each floor meeting turning into a fiery orgy, it is crucial to remember the importance of safe sex. I know I may sound like a broken record, but C-O-N-D-O-M-S are very important. They’re the thin layer between you and a life full of sorrow. Separating you from an eternity of pain, hell on earth, a series of unfortunate events. ‘Cause listen up toys and squirrels, when you have a kid, you’re gonna get married, and when you get married, you’ll get divorced, and when you get divorced, you’ll go on a 5 night bender with Beckham cooped up in a one star hotel in Soho.