Liquor? I Barely Even Know Her

Samuel G. Slocum

October 17, 2017

Volume I, Issue III

88,000 people died of alcohol related deaths in 2016, making it the third leading preventable death in the United States. I think it is safe to assume most of our readers, being NYU students, have completed the online course “AlcoholEdu.” Completing this internet class is not only a school wide requirement, but a bright idea as well. It equips students with the drinking knowledge required while attending a university, college, or any other educational facility.

“I liked that it focused a lot on safe drinking, and not just no drinking, because people are going to drink no matter what,” said well respected wine connoisseur Gabriel Oldfield. “AlcoholEdu can suck my long, Billabong® schlong,” stated Nico Brunstein, 17 year old asshat. It’s clear that Mr. Brunstein and Mr. Oldfield have very different views of the online service, and probably conflicting views on civil rights as well.