Junior to Fly out of Islip
- Staff Writer
- Oct 29, 2017
- 2 min read
Andrew Sandweiss, Guest Newswriter
October 24, 2017
Volume I, Issue IV
NEW YORK- NYU Junior Ron Oak, in a bizarre turn of events, booked a flight home out of Long Island’s MacArthur (a.k.a. Islip) Airport. Flying home to Tulsa, Oklahoma, Mr. Oak was seen Sunday by his roommates pondering the variety of airports he could use to fly home.
By Monday at noon, rumors began spreading that a student might choose an airport out of the Big Three (JFK, Newark, and LaGuardia). Hours later, according to reports from best friend Teddy Hall, he had come to a decision.
“After staying up all night comparing fares, flight durations, and my horsebetting stats, I came to the conclusion: to use Islip airport.” Mr. Oak announced in a press conference Monday afternoon. Three journalists reportedly fainted and were taken to Mt. Sinai with minor injuries from their falls.
Islip Airport Director Tony Marucko, however, has been celebrating nonstop since the announcement, which was livestreamed to him in his office on airport grounds.
(Photo by NYCtourist.com)
“When I heard the rumors...the RUMORS… that a college student from the…the city could actually use our airport, I had to find out the truth,” Marucko stammered, taking a hard sip of whisky.
“Tomorrow, it’s back to work,” he continued, “but TONIGHT. Damn. TONIGHT. We, well, we festivate, yeah, that’s a FUCKING WORD.”
Mr. Oak, on the other hand, has spent his evening quietly studying for an upcoming midterm.
“Well, as I said in the press conference, Islip airport actually had a cheaper flight. I’m flying Southwest the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. One stop and I’m there for $40 less. Now, I’ve got an essay due for my writing class tomorrow. I’d appreciate it if you left me alone.”
When asked where Islip Airport is, Mr. Oak simply shrugged and stated, “Jeez guys, I’ll figure it out. It can’t be that hard to find.”
Teddy Hall, however, expressed concerns over Mr. Oak’s confidence.
“I remember about two years ago in May when a graduate student tried to fly out of Islip. Took the train out. He was on Southwest, I think. But he was never seen again.”
When asked if that graduate student may have just been moving out, Mr. Hall answered: “That’s a good point.”
“Regardless,” he continued, “I’m a little worried.”
You can visit Mr. Oak on the tenth floor of the library to ask any questions about his upcoming trip.
Steely Dan,
This is Gabriel Oldfield, Editor in Chief of "The '02 Tribune." Our newspaper printed the word "festivate" not because we believe that it is a word, but because we were attempting to remain authentic to the quote made by Mr. Marucko. At this establishment we always try to print only uncensored, unbiased truth, in these troubling times. We apologize for disappointing you, feel free to use "festivate" nonetheless.
I looked up the word "festivate," and it in fact is not a real word. I am disappointed.......... I thought I learned a new word.